10/09/16

I'm not very good at voicing my thoughts and find it much easier to portray them through writing. Not only is it easier, but it's also my stress reliever. By putting my thoughts into words, I'm taking them off my chest and relieving myself of the burden. My purpose in saying that is so you all know that I realize this is not my typical blog post. I can't say it will be upbeat or positive. And here's why:

My mentality has always been to smile through the hard times and to just keep laughing when all you want to do is cry. I've always wanted to be the girl that people look at and think, "She is always so positive and happy. I don't think I've ever seen her without a smile". That seems like the perfect life, right? Wrong. It's exhausting. . . both mentally and physically. Now don't get me wrong. When having a bad day, I don't think it's a bad idea to keep smiling and trying to be positive. Sometimes, that's exactly what is needed to turn the mood around. But what I am talking about is when those bad days turn into weeks, or maybe even months. When you're down and you just can't seem to find the energy to get back up. That saying that goes, "When it rains, it pours" and you feel like it has been pouring on you longer than you feel like the sun has been shining. That is when I don't think it's okay to pretend. . .and I've just now come to realize that.

For a couple months now, I feel like I've fallen down and just keep getting kicked and kicked. No matter how many times I try to stand back up and get on my feet, I just keep getting kicked down. And I've been pretending to be standing there like I have it all together. Like life is so good. But after many tears and prayers, I received an answer from a nice lady who didn't know me, didn't know my situation, nor did she know my story. I was sitting at the temple, with my ear buds in. No music was playing since I was just using them to keep anyone from talking to me. I had my scriptures out and my journal on my lap. My nose was running and I couldn't stop crying. During this, a lady walked over to where I was sitting and sat beside me. After some time, I felt guilty about ignoring her and took out my ear buds. I glanced at her, kind of sheepishly and secretly hoping she didn't strike up a conversation, when she turned to me and kindly said, "You know, I've been here a long time and this is what I know: sometimes it's okay to just not be okay".

At this point my tears were streaming even harder, but what she said stuck with me.

"Sometimes it's okay to just not be okay."

How powerful and much needed was that statement. Somehow, that lady knew exactly what I needed to hear. So that's my advice to anyone who may be struggling, whether it be big or small. Be honest with yourself and realize that you don't always have to have it together. You don't always have to be smiling. But also, I've learned that you don't always have to have an explanation. People may ask what is wrong, but you don't owe them anything. "No" is a complete sentence.

I'm not at the point yet where I can say it'll all work out if you just keep on truckin'. But here's what I can say: Don't be ashamed to let yourself have a bad day, or even week. Life is hard. That's a fact. But, don't forget, sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Heavenly Father is aware of you. He is aware of your needs. He has felt every pain you are suffering and He wants to help you. . .if you will but let Him in.

All my love,

Cortlee

8/25/16

Dear Mommy,

Last night I had a dream we were hiking. There were many people all around us, but all I remember is seeing you and me. In my dream, we were hiking in what looked like a big canyon. We were on a trail that was maybe two feet wide with one side as the canyon wall and the other side a cliff that dropped down to hundreds of feet below.

We had been walking for a few miles when the trail gave way to a spot where we had to jump from one side to the other to continue on. As dreams usually are, this moment was very exaggerated. Though the space in between the trails was only a few feet long, it looked like a mile to me. In my dream, I remember peering down to the canyon below and thinking there was no way I could cross. I started to shake and cry and cling to the mountain to the side of me --- deathly afraid of falling. In the meantime, you had already jumped to the other side. When I looked across at you, you turned back to me and simply held out your hand.

I remember standing tall again, wiping my tears, taking one last look below me, and grabbing your hand before I took that big leap of faith to the other side.

Waking up this morning, that moment was so vivid in my mind. I also couldn't help but think of the correlation between my dream and Peter walking on water. When Jesus walked on water to join His disciples on the boat, He told Peter to come to Him. The stormy sea began to crash waves against Peter and he became afraid, crying out to the Lord. Jesus then reached His hand out and grasped Peter's.

Like Peter, I was too afraid to cross the trail, until you reached out your hand to me. I think of all the times you've held your hand out to me, both figuratively and literally, and I'm overcome with emotion. Heavenly Father blessed me with you---a mommy who has always motivated me and guided me throughout my life. Whenever I have stumbled, you have held out your hand to me, making the choice mine. . .to either grasp it and accept help or to keep trying on my own.

When I think about the type of mother I want to be one day, all I have to do is look at you and it's clear. You're nurturing, honest, faithful, compassionate, a hard worker, my best friend, and most importantly, you're constant. You're constantly there for me should I need a hand to hold along the way. As I'm navigating through and deciding what to do with my life, you will always be ready to lend your hand. And for that, I will always be forever grateful.

Mommy, I love you. I'm grateful for you. I hope that one day I will become half the woman you are. You're my biggest role model, in all ways. Don't ever forget your divine worth.

Love,
Your Dolly

6/24/16

This is something I've wanted to write about for quite some time, but haven't really found the words or been able to portray them in a way that wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. So if this does offend anyone, that wasn't my intention and I do apologize.

I've worked at a clothing store for almost five months now, and if there's one thing I have learned, it's this:

Every woman has their insecurities and needs to be told they're beautiful.

Today at work, I was helping a woman who was very much pregnant. I told her we don't sell maternity clothes, but we have many shirts that are flowy and would be very cute. She turned to me with tears streaming down her face and said, "I hate how I look right now. I'm not buying new clothes until after I have this baby."

Working retail, I see so many circumstances like this and it breaks my heart. Another lady came in with a return and said, "I'm too fat for this skirt. I looked horrible in it." To which I told her, "You're not fat, it just isn't the right size. Let's find a different size and I bet you'll look and feel much better."

I hurt for the women who hate the way they look. I'm not going to stand here and preach about loving your body, because I haven't always loved mine. There is a big movement going on that is embracing women with curves and teaching them to love their bodies. And while I absolutely love the message, it didn't apply to me. I've always been petite. I don't have an hourglass body or hips. I can still fit into jeans from Junior High. And for the longest time, I felt bad about my body because I wasn't curvy. I wasn't the "ideal body type" because "no one should wear a size 0" or "it's unhealthy". But it wasn't my choice. It was the way Heavenly Father designed me, and it's taken me a long time to realize that that is beautiful too.

President Monson said, "a woman needs to be told she is beautiful. She needs to be told she is valued. She needs to be told she is worthwhile." (See Others As They May Become)

I can't tell you to just wake up one day and love your body. That's something that needs to be felt on your own and could take months. But here is my advice to all women:

You are valued. You are worthwhile. You are beautiful. When that inner voice tries to tell you that you are not, you go grab another size. You do not need to squeeze and conform to anyone's views on beautiful, because if you do, when you look in the mirror you will feel like you're wearing a skirt that is just too small. Once you accept that the body you have been given is beautiful and grab the right size, you will be so much happier and comfortable in your own skin.

I can't say that I don't have my days where I wish I could just grow a few more inches or become a little more curvy, but those days are also becoming less and less frequent. I will probably have to bear through endless short jokes for the rest of my life, but it no longer hurts. I was given this body and that in and of itself, is the greatest blessing.

So to all the girls, young women, and women out there:

You are valued. You are worthwhile. And most importantly, you are beautiful.

All my love,
Cortlee

03/08/16

Dear Elder Crockett,

Today I went to the store after track to get a drink and saw a $20 bill, which reminded me of you. When I was 16, I was getting ready for a date when you walked up to me and handed me twenty dollars and told me it was "In case your date is horrible and you need to get a cab ride home". At the time, I laughed it off and rolled my eyes, happy that I just became $20 richer.

When I was a freshman, I remember getting so mad at you whenever you would go home and tell mom about the guys I was talking to and how they "weren't good guys" or "not trustworthy". It used to make me so upset. I didn't think it was your place to tell me who I could talk to or not, which made me want to talk to them even more, just out of spite. But in the end, my being mad at you would only last so long and I would be back at your car the next day at lunchtime asking to be taken to Safeway, which you would always do.

I remember having a class with you, which I thought was the worst. Whenever I would talk while the teacher was talking, you would glare at me or give me a look of disapproval; which, again, just fueled my acting out. I wanted nothing more than to be independent and make my own choices.

Now, as a senior, and 18 months and 5 days apart from you, I wish I could take back all those moments when I got annoyed at you. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish we could go out to lunch together and you could buy me a cheesy bagel. As I go on dates, I wish you were there to answer the door wearing a Duck Dynasty shirt and holding your machete. I wish you were here to worry about me, even when it's not necessary. I wish we could have a class together and you would keep me in line and on top of assignments. I wish we could have jam sessions in the car, even though we both hate each other's music.

But as I've gotten older, I realize that things will change. When you get home, our car rides and jam sessions aren't going to be as frequent. We will both be adults, doing adult things. But that's okay, because I will always have those memories of spending time with you. Our lives will change, we will change, and circumstances will change, but our friendship will remain constant.

Because of our friendship, I have learned so many lessons. So to my future children, here's my prayer for you:

***

I pray you realize that the closest friends you will ever have are the ones you have in your home. You will fight, get irritated, and annoyed at one another, but their friendship will mean more to you than the arguments.

I pray you will be forgiving and that you will show one another love. Your siblings will make mistakes, but your forgiveness could be what gets them through.

I pray you will guard one another when they can't see the danger of their decisions.

I pray that as you're finding yourself, you never leave each other's side. As you're transitioning through the different stages of life, I pray you will lead each other on the right path and encourage one another to continue faithfully on that path.

I pray you will trust one another in all aspects of your life.

I pray you will show one another love, despite your weaknesses.

I pray that as people come into your life that may love you or hurt you, they bring you to know your siblings for the first time or rekindle the relationship you already share.

I pray you will catch one another if any of your feet should slip.

I pray you will help one another feel peace in the midst of hardships and help carry one another when your burdens are too much to bear on your own.

I pray you will encourage one another to be the best you can possibly be and to excel in all you do.

I pray you will help one another know of Heavenly Father's love for them and lead them to a place where His glory dwells. Help one another realize that His love is unfailing and that the only way to see true light is through His light.

There will be days, or even weeks, where you feel like giving up and you will fail to see the point. I pray you will keep your siblings close during those moments and that they will help you to see the bigger picture. I pray you love them with your whole heart and come to rely on your friendship with them as you grow. Throughout your life, people will come and go, but your siblings will always be there for you. Hold them close to your heart and keep that relationship a priority. You won't regret it.

All my Love,
Cortlee

Always be Humble and Kind

Anyone who knows me, knows I love country music. Lately, this song has really hit home. 

Humble and Kind by Tim McGraw

I love the verse that says, 

"Hold the door, say please, say thank you

Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie

I know you got mountains to climb but

Always stay humble and kind

When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you

When the work you put in is realized

Let yourself feel the pride but

Always stay humble and kind"

Always stay humble and kind. This sentence is simple, but following it's meaning may be a little trickier. In seminary a couple weeks ago, we talked about the attributes we think would make a King great. Words were put on the board such as, 'popular', 'loyal', 'trustworthy', 'outgoing', etc. And while all these qualities would make a great king, I want to focus on the words 'humble' and 'kind'. In my opinion, I think a great king would be both of those things.

In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the simple definition of humble is this:

Humble

adjective  hum·ble   \ˈhəm-bəl also chiefly Southern ˈəm-\

• :  not proud : not thinking of yourself as better than other people
• : given or said in a way that shows you do not think you are better than other people
• : showing that you do not think of yourself as better than other people
  Humility is so important. This world is full of very proud people. Girls who are proud of their $200 shoes, how their make-up is perfectly "contoured", or even just the amount of friends they have. Life has turned into one big competition. A competition to have the best hair, the most likes, and the most retweets. Humility is doing something kind for someone and not having to put it on social media for recognition. Humility is wearing make-up because you want to feel pretty, not because the girl next to you is wearing it. Humility is looking for ways to serve, without a thought of what you'll receive in return. Humility is helping, not because you're better than them, but because you can.
  

  
  

  kind

  adjective \ˈkīnd\

  Simple Definition of kind

  • 
    : having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others.
    Humble and kind go together like chips and salsa. Kindness is helping others, not because you have to, but because you want to. When I think back to the moments that mean the most to me, they all begin with kindness. So the next time someone cuts you off or someone forgets to put the milk in the fridge and you feel yourself start to get angry; remember, kindness changes everything and it begins with you.  Learn to have a desire to help others, as well as learn to genuinely like bringing happiness to others, because in return, you will also feel that happiness. 
    A great king is loyal, trustworthy, and honest; but more than that, he is humble and he is kind. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is the perfect example of a king who was humble and kind. A man so humble, He washed feet and cleansed the sick who had been shunned from all others. A man so kind, He dedicated His entire life to serving others. A man who chose to be humble and kind even when everyone was against Him. When He was surrounded by pride and hatred, He never changed who He was; a man, who was always Humble and Kind. 
    
    
    Always be Humble and Kind.
    -Cort
    Ephesians 4:32"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
    Doctrine & Covenants 112:10"Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers."
    Ether 12:27"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."