My mentality has always been to smile through the hard times and to just keep laughing when all you want to do is cry. I've always wanted to be the girl that people look at and think, "She is always so positive and happy. I don't think I've ever seen her without a smile". That seems like the perfect life, right? Wrong. It's exhausting. . . both mentally and physically. Now don't get me wrong. When having a bad day, I don't think it's a bad idea to keep smiling and trying to be positive. Sometimes, that's exactly what is needed to turn the mood around. But what I am talking about is when those bad days turn into weeks, or maybe even months. When you're down and you just can't seem to find the energy to get back up. That saying that goes, "When it rains, it pours" and you feel like it has been pouring on you longer than you feel like the sun has been shining. That is when I don't think it's okay to pretend. . .and I've just now come to realize that.
For a couple months now, I feel like I've fallen down and just keep getting kicked and kicked. No matter how many times I try to stand back up and get on my feet, I just keep getting kicked down. And I've been pretending to be standing there like I have it all together. Like life is so good. But after many tears and prayers, I received an answer from a nice lady who didn't know me, didn't know my situation, nor did she know my story. I was sitting at the temple, with my ear buds in. No music was playing since I was just using them to keep anyone from talking to me. I had my scriptures out and my journal on my lap. My nose was running and I couldn't stop crying. During this, a lady walked over to where I was sitting and sat beside me. After some time, I felt guilty about ignoring her and took out my ear buds. I glanced at her, kind of sheepishly and secretly hoping she didn't strike up a conversation, when she turned to me and kindly said, "You know, I've been here a long time and this is what I know: sometimes it's okay to just not be okay".
At this point my tears were streaming even harder, but what she said stuck with me.
"Sometimes it's okay to just not be okay."
How powerful and much needed was that statement. Somehow, that lady knew exactly what I needed to hear. So that's my advice to anyone who may be struggling, whether it be big or small. Be honest with yourself and realize that you don't always have to have it together. You don't always have to be smiling. But also, I've learned that you don't always have to have an explanation. People may ask what is wrong, but you don't owe them anything. "No" is a complete sentence.
I'm not at the point yet where I can say it'll all work out if you just keep on truckin'. But here's what I can say: Don't be ashamed to let yourself have a bad day, or even week. Life is hard. That's a fact. But, don't forget, sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Heavenly Father is aware of you. He is aware of your needs. He has felt every pain you are suffering and He wants to help you. . .if you will but let Him in.
All my love,
Cortlee
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