Aspire to be better

It has been quite awhile since I sat down to write a blog post, even though I've had countless ideas running through my mind for the past couple months. It's a new year, which brings out all those "new years resolutions". You know which ones I'm talking about. The resolutions that you make because you feel like you should---even though you know there's no chance in you know where that you'll actually complete them. The resolutions that you feel like are the "right things to say you want to accomplish" such as losing weight or eating healthier.

I'm not a fan of resolutions and here's why:

The word resolution basically means to do or not to do something. Nowadays, the term 'New Year's Resolution' holds no deeper meaning. It has become a "goal" you set in the beginning of the year that you know is most likely not going to be accomplished. And, shockingly, when our new year's resolutions get pushed aside and forgotten, we can laugh it off and say, "Oh, no one actually completes those, so it's fine". You've heard that before, right?

So here's what I would suggest:

Instead of the word 'resolution', let's look at the word 'aspiration'. Aspiration means the hope or ambition of achieving something. To me, that already sounds a hundred times better than a resolution. There are some powerful words in that simple definition. Hope. Ambition. Achieving.
All three of those words require some sort of emotional connection to what you're aspiring towards. Remember resolution? To do or not to do something. That doesn't require any effort or really any consequence if not completed. But if you aspire toward something you really want, then you won't be okay when it goes unaccomplished.

Now here's another thought I had on the new year:

We've all heard, and maybe even said, the phrase "New year, new me". My problem with this statement is that it implies a complete change or shift in your life as soon as the clock changes from 11:59 pm on December 31st to 12:00 am on January 1st. I say kudos to you if you can just start fresh at the beginning of every year. But, if you're like me, it's not so easy. I've been thinking a lot about the people who don't get to say "new year, new me". The people who are taking the problems from 2016 with them into 2017. And honestly, I would say I'm one of those people. 2016 wasn't so good to me. Sure, there were good moments. I made it to state for track, I graduated high school, my brother came home from his mission, and I got a puppy. But, there were also some serious negatives. I couldn't afford to go to college right away, Josh left for the Air Force, my parents started their divorce papers, my dad left, and I've just felt pretty exhausted with life. But here's what has really stood out to me in the past couple weeks, and it goes back to the word 'aspiration'. 2017 will still contain the same problems for me that 2016 held. But, the difference is, I'm starting off the year with hope. I'm engaged to the man of my dreams, even though the situation is difficult. He's 1,000 miles away and we have no idea when he'll get to come home next. I have a cute puppy to keep me company and make me smile on the days that are rough. I have a great family who is loving and supports me. . .and I'll be gaining a second family who I love just as much. All of these aspects of my life give me hope.

Before Josh got on the plane to go back to Texas, we sat at his gate together and talked about some aspirations we have as a couple. I told him I would always tell him what was on my mind, whether it was telling him when I think he looks handsome, or telling him when something is bothering me. We made aspirations as a couple for the new year. But I think what also makes an aspiration different from a resolution is the timeline. A resolution usually only lasts however long you can keep it going. But an aspiration will, hopefully, last your entire life. Sure, we made these goals as a couple for the next year as we're starting our lives together, but that doesn't mean it will end on January 1st of 2018. These aspirations we have will impact and change our relationship for an eternity.

If you are an avid New Year's Resolution-ist, I'm not trying to degrade you for that. If you can make a resolution and stick to it, then good job and I'm proud of you! But to the others who struggle, I challenge you to drop the resolution and add an aspiration. Aspire to be more kind. Aspire to be more forgiving. Aspire to be a giver. Aspire to make the best of every situation. Aspire to have more hope. Aspire to be better. Because that's really what it's all about, right? Being better than we were before.

With love,
Cort

10/09/16

I'm not very good at voicing my thoughts and find it much easier to portray them through writing. Not only is it easier, but it's also my stress reliever. By putting my thoughts into words, I'm taking them off my chest and relieving myself of the burden. My purpose in saying that is so you all know that I realize this is not my typical blog post. I can't say it will be upbeat or positive. And here's why:

My mentality has always been to smile through the hard times and to just keep laughing when all you want to do is cry. I've always wanted to be the girl that people look at and think, "She is always so positive and happy. I don't think I've ever seen her without a smile". That seems like the perfect life, right? Wrong. It's exhausting. . . both mentally and physically. Now don't get me wrong. When having a bad day, I don't think it's a bad idea to keep smiling and trying to be positive. Sometimes, that's exactly what is needed to turn the mood around. But what I am talking about is when those bad days turn into weeks, or maybe even months. When you're down and you just can't seem to find the energy to get back up. That saying that goes, "When it rains, it pours" and you feel like it has been pouring on you longer than you feel like the sun has been shining. That is when I don't think it's okay to pretend. . .and I've just now come to realize that.

For a couple months now, I feel like I've fallen down and just keep getting kicked and kicked. No matter how many times I try to stand back up and get on my feet, I just keep getting kicked down. And I've been pretending to be standing there like I have it all together. Like life is so good. But after many tears and prayers, I received an answer from a nice lady who didn't know me, didn't know my situation, nor did she know my story. I was sitting at the temple, with my ear buds in. No music was playing since I was just using them to keep anyone from talking to me. I had my scriptures out and my journal on my lap. My nose was running and I couldn't stop crying. During this, a lady walked over to where I was sitting and sat beside me. After some time, I felt guilty about ignoring her and took out my ear buds. I glanced at her, kind of sheepishly and secretly hoping she didn't strike up a conversation, when she turned to me and kindly said, "You know, I've been here a long time and this is what I know: sometimes it's okay to just not be okay".

At this point my tears were streaming even harder, but what she said stuck with me.

"Sometimes it's okay to just not be okay."

How powerful and much needed was that statement. Somehow, that lady knew exactly what I needed to hear. So that's my advice to anyone who may be struggling, whether it be big or small. Be honest with yourself and realize that you don't always have to have it together. You don't always have to be smiling. But also, I've learned that you don't always have to have an explanation. People may ask what is wrong, but you don't owe them anything. "No" is a complete sentence.

I'm not at the point yet where I can say it'll all work out if you just keep on truckin'. But here's what I can say: Don't be ashamed to let yourself have a bad day, or even week. Life is hard. That's a fact. But, don't forget, sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Heavenly Father is aware of you. He is aware of your needs. He has felt every pain you are suffering and He wants to help you. . .if you will but let Him in.

All my love,

Cortlee

8/25/16

Dear Mommy,

Last night I had a dream we were hiking. There were many people all around us, but all I remember is seeing you and me. In my dream, we were hiking in what looked like a big canyon. We were on a trail that was maybe two feet wide with one side as the canyon wall and the other side a cliff that dropped down to hundreds of feet below.

We had been walking for a few miles when the trail gave way to a spot where we had to jump from one side to the other to continue on. As dreams usually are, this moment was very exaggerated. Though the space in between the trails was only a few feet long, it looked like a mile to me. In my dream, I remember peering down to the canyon below and thinking there was no way I could cross. I started to shake and cry and cling to the mountain to the side of me --- deathly afraid of falling. In the meantime, you had already jumped to the other side. When I looked across at you, you turned back to me and simply held out your hand.

I remember standing tall again, wiping my tears, taking one last look below me, and grabbing your hand before I took that big leap of faith to the other side.

Waking up this morning, that moment was so vivid in my mind. I also couldn't help but think of the correlation between my dream and Peter walking on water. When Jesus walked on water to join His disciples on the boat, He told Peter to come to Him. The stormy sea began to crash waves against Peter and he became afraid, crying out to the Lord. Jesus then reached His hand out and grasped Peter's.

Like Peter, I was too afraid to cross the trail, until you reached out your hand to me. I think of all the times you've held your hand out to me, both figuratively and literally, and I'm overcome with emotion. Heavenly Father blessed me with you---a mommy who has always motivated me and guided me throughout my life. Whenever I have stumbled, you have held out your hand to me, making the choice mine. . .to either grasp it and accept help or to keep trying on my own.

When I think about the type of mother I want to be one day, all I have to do is look at you and it's clear. You're nurturing, honest, faithful, compassionate, a hard worker, my best friend, and most importantly, you're constant. You're constantly there for me should I need a hand to hold along the way. As I'm navigating through and deciding what to do with my life, you will always be ready to lend your hand. And for that, I will always be forever grateful.

Mommy, I love you. I'm grateful for you. I hope that one day I will become half the woman you are. You're my biggest role model, in all ways. Don't ever forget your divine worth.

Love,
Your Dolly

6/24/16

This is something I've wanted to write about for quite some time, but haven't really found the words or been able to portray them in a way that wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. So if this does offend anyone, that wasn't my intention and I do apologize.

I've worked at a clothing store for almost five months now, and if there's one thing I have learned, it's this:

Every woman has their insecurities and needs to be told they're beautiful.

Today at work, I was helping a woman who was very much pregnant. I told her we don't sell maternity clothes, but we have many shirts that are flowy and would be very cute. She turned to me with tears streaming down her face and said, "I hate how I look right now. I'm not buying new clothes until after I have this baby."

Working retail, I see so many circumstances like this and it breaks my heart. Another lady came in with a return and said, "I'm too fat for this skirt. I looked horrible in it." To which I told her, "You're not fat, it just isn't the right size. Let's find a different size and I bet you'll look and feel much better."

I hurt for the women who hate the way they look. I'm not going to stand here and preach about loving your body, because I haven't always loved mine. There is a big movement going on that is embracing women with curves and teaching them to love their bodies. And while I absolutely love the message, it didn't apply to me. I've always been petite. I don't have an hourglass body or hips. I can still fit into jeans from Junior High. And for the longest time, I felt bad about my body because I wasn't curvy. I wasn't the "ideal body type" because "no one should wear a size 0" or "it's unhealthy". But it wasn't my choice. It was the way Heavenly Father designed me, and it's taken me a long time to realize that that is beautiful too.

President Monson said, "a woman needs to be told she is beautiful. She needs to be told she is valued. She needs to be told she is worthwhile." (See Others As They May Become)

I can't tell you to just wake up one day and love your body. That's something that needs to be felt on your own and could take months. But here is my advice to all women:

You are valued. You are worthwhile. You are beautiful. When that inner voice tries to tell you that you are not, you go grab another size. You do not need to squeeze and conform to anyone's views on beautiful, because if you do, when you look in the mirror you will feel like you're wearing a skirt that is just too small. Once you accept that the body you have been given is beautiful and grab the right size, you will be so much happier and comfortable in your own skin.

I can't say that I don't have my days where I wish I could just grow a few more inches or become a little more curvy, but those days are also becoming less and less frequent. I will probably have to bear through endless short jokes for the rest of my life, but it no longer hurts. I was given this body and that in and of itself, is the greatest blessing.

So to all the girls, young women, and women out there:

You are valued. You are worthwhile. And most importantly, you are beautiful.

All my love,
Cortlee

03/08/16

Dear Elder Crockett,

Today I went to the store after track to get a drink and saw a $20 bill, which reminded me of you. When I was 16, I was getting ready for a date when you walked up to me and handed me twenty dollars and told me it was "In case your date is horrible and you need to get a cab ride home". At the time, I laughed it off and rolled my eyes, happy that I just became $20 richer.

When I was a freshman, I remember getting so mad at you whenever you would go home and tell mom about the guys I was talking to and how they "weren't good guys" or "not trustworthy". It used to make me so upset. I didn't think it was your place to tell me who I could talk to or not, which made me want to talk to them even more, just out of spite. But in the end, my being mad at you would only last so long and I would be back at your car the next day at lunchtime asking to be taken to Safeway, which you would always do.

I remember having a class with you, which I thought was the worst. Whenever I would talk while the teacher was talking, you would glare at me or give me a look of disapproval; which, again, just fueled my acting out. I wanted nothing more than to be independent and make my own choices.

Now, as a senior, and 18 months and 5 days apart from you, I wish I could take back all those moments when I got annoyed at you. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish we could go out to lunch together and you could buy me a cheesy bagel. As I go on dates, I wish you were there to answer the door wearing a Duck Dynasty shirt and holding your machete. I wish you were here to worry about me, even when it's not necessary. I wish we could have a class together and you would keep me in line and on top of assignments. I wish we could have jam sessions in the car, even though we both hate each other's music.

But as I've gotten older, I realize that things will change. When you get home, our car rides and jam sessions aren't going to be as frequent. We will both be adults, doing adult things. But that's okay, because I will always have those memories of spending time with you. Our lives will change, we will change, and circumstances will change, but our friendship will remain constant.

Because of our friendship, I have learned so many lessons. So to my future children, here's my prayer for you:

***

I pray you realize that the closest friends you will ever have are the ones you have in your home. You will fight, get irritated, and annoyed at one another, but their friendship will mean more to you than the arguments.

I pray you will be forgiving and that you will show one another love. Your siblings will make mistakes, but your forgiveness could be what gets them through.

I pray you will guard one another when they can't see the danger of their decisions.

I pray that as you're finding yourself, you never leave each other's side. As you're transitioning through the different stages of life, I pray you will lead each other on the right path and encourage one another to continue faithfully on that path.

I pray you will trust one another in all aspects of your life.

I pray you will show one another love, despite your weaknesses.

I pray that as people come into your life that may love you or hurt you, they bring you to know your siblings for the first time or rekindle the relationship you already share.

I pray you will catch one another if any of your feet should slip.

I pray you will help one another feel peace in the midst of hardships and help carry one another when your burdens are too much to bear on your own.

I pray you will encourage one another to be the best you can possibly be and to excel in all you do.

I pray you will help one another know of Heavenly Father's love for them and lead them to a place where His glory dwells. Help one another realize that His love is unfailing and that the only way to see true light is through His light.

There will be days, or even weeks, where you feel like giving up and you will fail to see the point. I pray you will keep your siblings close during those moments and that they will help you to see the bigger picture. I pray you love them with your whole heart and come to rely on your friendship with them as you grow. Throughout your life, people will come and go, but your siblings will always be there for you. Hold them close to your heart and keep that relationship a priority. You won't regret it.

All my Love,
Cortlee

Always be Humble and Kind

Anyone who knows me, knows I love country music. Lately, this song has really hit home. 

Humble and Kind by Tim McGraw

I love the verse that says, 

"Hold the door, say please, say thank you

Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie

I know you got mountains to climb but

Always stay humble and kind

When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you

When the work you put in is realized

Let yourself feel the pride but

Always stay humble and kind"

Always stay humble and kind. This sentence is simple, but following it's meaning may be a little trickier. In seminary a couple weeks ago, we talked about the attributes we think would make a King great. Words were put on the board such as, 'popular', 'loyal', 'trustworthy', 'outgoing', etc. And while all these qualities would make a great king, I want to focus on the words 'humble' and 'kind'. In my opinion, I think a great king would be both of those things.

In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the simple definition of humble is this:

Humble

adjective  hum·ble   \ˈhəm-bəl also chiefly Southern ˈəm-\

• :  not proud : not thinking of yourself as better than other people
• : given or said in a way that shows you do not think you are better than other people
• : showing that you do not think of yourself as better than other people
  Humility is so important. This world is full of very proud people. Girls who are proud of their $200 shoes, how their make-up is perfectly "contoured", or even just the amount of friends they have. Life has turned into one big competition. A competition to have the best hair, the most likes, and the most retweets. Humility is doing something kind for someone and not having to put it on social media for recognition. Humility is wearing make-up because you want to feel pretty, not because the girl next to you is wearing it. Humility is looking for ways to serve, without a thought of what you'll receive in return. Humility is helping, not because you're better than them, but because you can.
  

  
  

  kind

  adjective \ˈkīnd\

  Simple Definition of kind

  • 
    : having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others.
    Humble and kind go together like chips and salsa. Kindness is helping others, not because you have to, but because you want to. When I think back to the moments that mean the most to me, they all begin with kindness. So the next time someone cuts you off or someone forgets to put the milk in the fridge and you feel yourself start to get angry; remember, kindness changes everything and it begins with you.  Learn to have a desire to help others, as well as learn to genuinely like bringing happiness to others, because in return, you will also feel that happiness. 
    A great king is loyal, trustworthy, and honest; but more than that, he is humble and he is kind. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is the perfect example of a king who was humble and kind. A man so humble, He washed feet and cleansed the sick who had been shunned from all others. A man so kind, He dedicated His entire life to serving others. A man who chose to be humble and kind even when everyone was against Him. When He was surrounded by pride and hatred, He never changed who He was; a man, who was always Humble and Kind. 
    
    
    Always be Humble and Kind.
    -Cort
    Ephesians 4:32"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
    Doctrine & Covenants 112:10"Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers."
    Ether 12:27"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
    

  
  
  

10/22/15

"Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people. It is forgetting self and finding time for others. It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values. It is peace because we have found peace in the Savior's teachings. It is the time we realize most deeply that the more love is expended, the more there is of it for others."

-Thomas S. Monson

The Christmas season to me is exactly what President Monson described:

Christmas is. . .

spirit of giving
happiness
joy
forgetting self
finding time for others
stressing the true values
peace
love


12/22/15

After 65 years of marriage, today my sweet grandparents are entering the temple to receive their endowments and be sealed as a family for time and all eternity (To learn more about eternal families, click here for a great talk).

As I've grown older, the Christmas season has become more meaningful to me. I have come to acknowledge the purpose of Christmas, the joy that is felt, and the love our Heavenly Father has for each one of us. Christmas is time with family, baking sugary treats, gift shopping, and listening to carolers. It's driving around and seeing houses decorated with lights, trees glowing in the windows, and snow covered driveways. But most importantly, it is a time to reflect on our Savior, Jesus Christ.

This Christmas, I have felt the love of our Savior more profoundly than I ever have. As I was helping my grandmother put on her makeup before leaving for the temple, I was struck with an amazing feeling of peace. As I looked at her, though aged with lines that provide a glimpse into the life she has lived, I couldn't help but think of the beautiful woman she is and the love our Heavenly Father has for her. . . as well as her family.

We have been given the gift of an eternal family. The new pair of shoes or the new toy won't matter in 10 or 20 years, but the gift of family is priceless and has no end. Because of the missionaries and the example of others in my grandparents lives, my family and many generations to come will be eternal. We will be able to meet again in the next life and laugh and love and celebrate being a family. Because of our Savior, we have been blessed with the most precious gift that could have been given to my family this Christmas season: an eternal family. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Merry Christmas

-Cort

10/21/15

There are a few times in my life where I’ve given into peer pressure, and as much as this story pains me to retell, here it is:

I pull on my weathered boots and run out the creaky screen door, as fast as my 6 year old legs will carry me. As I run, I yell over my shoulder to my brother and cousin, “Hurry up! They’re coming in!” Skipping to a halt a few feet in front of the corral’s gate, I take my steps more cautiously so I don’t spook the horses. My brother and cousin have caught up to me now and I hear them slow down, treading lightly.

Reaching the gate, I hop onto the top railing and perch atop it-- giving me a perfect view of the horses as they make their way in from the pasture for some water. Out of the five horses, I’m only interested in one, though he’s not a horse at all, but my donkey, Skates.

“There he is” I yell, “There’s Skates!” I turn and face the donkey, my donkey, as of two days ago. As he comes in the gate, I cluck at him and hold out my hand, begging him to acknowledge my presence. To my utter joy, he comes right up to me and I squeal-- the full excitement of owning a large, very large, animal overwhelming me.

“What are you waiting for? Hop on him!” my brother dares me. I look over my shoulder at my dad mowing the lawn and then back at the donkey, unsure of my next move.

“Are you sure dad won’t get mad?”  I ask my older, and at the time I thought, much wiser, brother.

“He’s yours. Don’t be a girl, get on him!” he snickers.

At the age of 6 and a complete tomboy from the unbrushed hair, to the holes in my jeans, his name calling irks me into action. As I look at Skates, I see he has turned away from me, with his head facing the opposite direction.

“I can do this” I think to myself as I brace my two little hands on the fence. I plop my bum down on his back, with my face to his backside. Immediately, I feel Skates’ body tense from the unwelcome guest and I realize I have made a terrible mistake. Just before I can retrace my steps and ask for forgiveness, Skates takes off at a strong gallop, with no consideration for the small body he is taking with him.

Having nothing to grasp, my hands flail wildly and I hear my cousin yell, “Get off!” but before I can make any move, I feel myself flying through the air and land on the hard, manure covered ground with a sound “thud!”

Moaning, I look at my dirt covered body and look up to see my brother, cousin, and dad sprinting toward me. But instead of the anger I expect to see engraved on my dad’s face, all I see is concern. I breathe a sigh of relief and stand up-- vowing to never listen to my brother again.

My six year old self learned a few lessons that day, but the most important has been to never give into peer pressure. Do I think my brother meant harm? No. Do I still love him today and think the world of him? Of course. But as a 6 year old, I knew no better. If my older and wiser brother thought it was okay, well, then who was I to question it? But as I grow older and as I, myself, become wiser, I have learned to trust my own gut instinct. I live in a society where drinking, smoking, and other wordly enticements are the everyday norm. When “Just saying no” as I was taught from a young age, turned into getting mocked for not being “cool” or “layed back”, I started to question my morals. But as a now 18 year old young woman, I can proudly say that I have never drank, never done drugs, and can stand up for myself. Peer pressure can be my worst enemy-- if I let it control me-- but it can also act as a guide. When I say “No”, I am that much closer to becoming the person I want to be, without anyone else choosing my path for me.

Joshua Haymond Austin

 Joshua Austin.

Let me tell you a little bit about my best friend. I've known Joshua for a little over eight months and I can tell you he loves to have his face tickled, his hair played with, his meat plentiful, his workouts tough, and his country music loud. His favorite scripture is Joshua 1:9 because it's his name and his birthday, his favorite primary song is I Hope They Call Me on a Mission, and he gets the chills every time The National Anthem is played or sung. 

He won't ever admit it, but he knows every word to the song Love Story by Taylor Swift and it's my favorite song to blast in the car because I know he won't be able to contain himself from singing along...at the very top of his lungs.

 He's the handiest man I've ever met. If he sees something that needs fixing, no matter where it is, he fixes it. I think it's an impulse he can't control, but I secretly love it. Even if it's sliding doors in a fancy model home that should probably just be left alone. He can make the best welds known to man, and he's taught me what makes a weld great so I can agree that he IS the best welder known to man. 

He is the world's most confident dancer. I've quoted him saying, "I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm confident so it don't matter!" (Sweethearts Dance, 2015) And boy, if you saw him, you would definitely believe that statement :) One of my absolute favorite things to do with Joshua is dance. He's a mean swing dancer and is probably the only guy on earth who has willingly said he would take swing classes with me, though he probably wouldn't admit that either ;) 

 Joshua can pick up anything on the spot and succeed first try. His senior year he decided (with a little help from me) that he would join the men's volleyball team, never having played volleyball before. And when I say he's good it's not just me being bias. It was amazing to watch him absorb every move he saw another player do, then go out on the court and replicate exactly what they just did. He went from never having played to being (in my opinion) one of the best players on the court and taking his team to state. And I think that's pretty great. His 6'4" frame definitely was a plus as well. I've never seen so many balls blocked. 

 We argue about the differences between counters and islands, cheese crisps and quesadillas, if summer or winter is the better season (which obviously is summer, hands down), if it's called rabbit hunting or bunny busting, and if the Jazz actually has a chance this season. We agree that mountain biking is one of the best hobbies in the world, fruity anything is way better than anything chocolatey, dogs always win over cats (though cat videos are always more funny), and a day outside adventuring is a day well spent. 

 Joshua holds my hand. Constantly. And I absolutely love it. He would rather hold ten groceries in one hand than let go of my hand in the other. He also kisses the back of my hand, which makes my heart melt. In the car, sitting on the couch, at the grocery store, playing board games---pretty much whatever we do he makes sure he has kissed the back of my hand. This is such a simple act, but he knows that once he does it, I'll always smile, and I think that's what I do most of---smiling. A constant smile is always on my face, to the point where I have to stop smiling once in awhile just to give my face a break! Josh is definitely the optimistic one. He loves to be happy and it radiates off of him. 

He makes sure I know I'm beautiful. I got a horrible haircut and I was pretty danged sure it was the end of the world. The right side was shorter than the left side and it was definitely noticeable. I was on the verge of tears the entire day, but when Joshua saw me he just tilted my head to the right, making the right side even with the left side, kissed my forehead and told me I look stunning and my hair is gorgeous. Never have I ever been more grateful for anyone than right in that moment. I knew that he wasn't just saying that to avoid an obviously close emotional breakdown, but that he genuinely meant what he had just said. And yes, I still have my moments where I complain about my hair, but never once did Joshua laugh at it. Every time I bring it up, he tells me I'm beautiful and I'm just starting to believe him.

 Joshua and I can talk for hours and hours and never run out of things to say. A couple weeks ago we went to Lake Powell and there were many nights we just laid on the boat or sat in chairs looking at the stars and talked. I learned so much about Josh and my respect and love toward him grew immensely. We talked about patriarchal blessings, prayer, families, the military, our fears, what we're excited for in life, our dislikes, our likes, childhood stories, and things that have happened to us that have made us who we are today. I learned about his desire to defend his religion and every religion and how he is excited to fight for what he believes is worth fighting for as he gets ready to join the Air Force. He's the strongest person I know and though the thought of him leaving is extremely hard, I would never take it away from him. He lights up when he talks about saving lives, and I know he will be able to accomplish anything he sets his mind to.

Joshua Austin, you're the giant to my midget and the best to my friend. 

You tickle me relentlessly, you use my head as an arm rest, and you laughed during my fish's funeral, but I wouldn't have it any other way. You make me one happy gal and I'm glad you're my darlin'.

Love,

Cortlee

04/12/15

This is the third post I've started tonight. It's late and my head is full of thoughts I can't seem to put into words. If anyone truly knows me, they should know this is a constant struggle of mine.

There's a quote that says, 

"That's what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you're not so lovable." -Deb Caletti

Unfortunately, that has been me these past couple weeks. I haven't been so lovable and I've been blaming it on everything from school to stress to loneliness to missing my brother, but I finally realized that while these things possibly had a negative effect on me, I was really the source of the problem. 

I'm not good at opening up, nor have I ever been. I shut down, get depressed, and don't let anyone in. I overthink. I worry. I complain. I feel the pressure of the world. Recently, I have felt all these things tenfold. I felt like everyone was against me, doubting and finding fault in my every move. I was being criticized from every angle in my life, and you know what? I was angry. I was mad at people for not seeing how difficult my life already was and for adding onto it. 

A lot of things are extremely important to me, and if we were to compile a list, at the top would always be family. During all this, I never once doubted my parents love for me. Sure, I got frustrated, but I never once felt unloved. I was not lovable, but they put their arms around me and loved me anyway. I have been blessed with one of the best families in the world, and I sometimes find myself taking for granted that fact.

There's one person specifically that I've always had a special connection with. Many of my childhood memories include him. From eating peaches late at night, to waking up early to go on drives around the ranch. This person is my best friend, my role model, and my inspiration. My Papa Pete.

My grandpa (Papa Pete) was born in 1930 and moved to Duncan, Arizona in 1935. He graduated from Duncan high school in 1948 and went on to play basketball for the University of Arizona on a scholarship. After meeting his future wife and my grandma, his plans for obtaining a degree changed and they were married in 1950. From there, my grandma's dad introduced my Papa Pete to the ranching life and they moved to Colorado to begin a life of ranching. In 1962, they moved back to Arizona and managed a ranch for a friend. In 1977, they fulfilled their dreams and bought their own cattle ranch, calling it Tanque.

An interesting story, but why am I telling you? Well, it has to do with one sentence my Papa said while we were visiting for Thanksgiving that has stuck with me since that day. He humbly said, with tears in his eyes,

"I feel so blessed. I have lived the American Dream."

My grandpa's life has in no way been easy. He has worked hard his entire life to get where he's at today, and because of that, he is one of the people I look up to the most. He has accomplished so many great things in his life, including being entered into the Cowboy Hall of Fame, and many people admire and respect him for his accomplishments. But out of all his many achievements, there is one that I think tops them all. 

On November 29, 2014,  My Papa Pete was baptized and confirmed as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  

When I think back to that day, I don't think about my terrible piano playing or the fact that my brother wasn't there with us. When I think about that morning and seeing my Papa Pete dressed in white, all I can think about is how perfect it was. The humility and happiness. The moment we all silently wished for and knew would happen, happened. In that moment, there was peace. 

I make mistakes. I get grumpy. Life throws me curveballs and I sometimes feel like giving up and striking out. But the great part about life is we are all given second chances. At any given moment, we can wake up and say, "Today is the day I'm going to be happy". And from then on, you choose each day to be happy. You choose. The American Dream was an ideal that started in the 1930's where success was achieved through hard work and dedication. But even now, it is still just as relevant. Life is sometimes hard work. It beats you down to the point where you just don't feel like getting back up. When that happens, when you aren't so lovable, let yourself be held by those who do love you. And when you're ready, you stand tall, and you live your life in a way that you can one day hold your head high and say, 

"I feel so blessed. I have lived the American Dream."

Whatever that entails for you, you live your own American Dream.